no explanation necessary

personal process

I'm realizing this moment is so scary to me because I'm wading into the ocean of action and away from the beach of preparation. I've made all the plans.

All the plans for the mystery dinner, the plans for the new website, the plans for the clarity of offerings, the plans for the book events, the plans for what's going on a summer break, all the plans for health and other personal stuff.

All the plans are made.

I cannot loop back to making more plans.

The plans are abundant! The plans are ABUNDANCE!!

Now I am wading into the ocean, or at least the Sound of action. And I'm scared shitless. I'm scared of making a mistake. I'm scared of being laughed at. I'm scared of being judged. I'm scared of being let down. I'm scared. I'm scared because now these things can't simply live in my mind, in my body... they can no longer simply be my fantasies or even shared fantasies between myself and another person.

I'm in the shift from fantasy into reality. And it's bringing up all the feelings and all the discomfort.

I can choose to thwart this momentum. Or I can choose to go with the water, and keep wading in.

I wish I could write that I'm choosing to go with the flow of the water and keep wading in but my fear is so loud, yelling at me to cease movement, to stop!! "There's danger in the water," my fear hollers.

This part of me comes alive... this compassionate parent to my fear child:

"I hear you. I hear you. It's okay to be frightened. It's okay to feel scared. We're wading into unchartered territories here and it makes so much sense to be scared. But the thing is, and the thing is: I'm not going to leave you here in the water alone. I won't abandon you. Even if and when you make a mistake. Even if and when you trip over a rock as you wade in. I will not abandon you. I will not leave you. I will hold your hand as we wade in together. And I will hold you as we start to swim. I will be by your side the whole time we explore these yet-to-be-discovered waters. We will share this experience. We will share this journey, together. And we will learn so much and have so much newness between us that our relationship will grow and transform, too. You and me. We'll do this together."

I wonder why tears seem to stream from my right eye but not my left.

I'm going to attempt to keep my ears open to this compassionate parent within. Whatever I choose, I trust this compassionate parent within will be a good companion for me.